The First Time
by DarkGoddess76
Summary: Everyone knows it isn't the dead who suffer, but those who are forced to live on without them. Takes place after their return to District Twelve, and before the birth of Katniss' and Peeta's first child.


The first time she held his hand was at the memorial service for the children who died in the parachute attack. This wasn't her first service, and it wouldn't be the last time that she would be forced to relive Prim's death; it _was_ the first time that Haymitch went with her instead of Peeta (because Peeta was still full of _light_ and _goodness_ and _hope_, and neither one of them could bear to see that light dim). Gale was going on about sacrifice and loss and hope, as though they meant something.

(Everyone knows it isn't the dead who suffer, but those who are forced to live on without them, and what would he know anyway)

Katniss' buzz was wearing off from the morphling she'd injected earlier (no one would dare accuse the Mockingjay of recreational use). She'd just about reached her breaking point when she felt his fingers reaching out towards hers. Tentative, fearful, slowly (everything Haymitch wasn't), his fingers danced over her own – pinky, ring finger, middle, until, reaching her index, began to slowly stroke the back of her hand. Katniss became aware of the oddly intimate nature of this act – somehow more intimate than kissing, than sex even (and she has had plenty of that, trying to drown out the screams and the heat and the burning she still recalls each night). His simple touch reached someplace inside her, and with each caress brought her into the here and now, grounding her through the pain of reliving Prim's death, and the pain of coming off the high. She could feel her shoulders relaxing, and just as tentatively, flipped her hand over to complete the connection. Fingers intertwining, she smiled when he lifted her hand and left a ghost of a kiss across her knuckles. This was a feeling she could stand to feel again.

One day later, it was as if it never happened. Peeta notices that Katniss is calmer than she usually is after a memorial.

II

The first time they fuck (because it certainly wasn't making love, and far too personal for just sex) is after yet another of their famous rows. Haymitch has refused all visitors (again), refused all calls (again) and refused to come out (again). The only thing giving away that he is still alive is the smoke drifting from his chimney. Tired of the look of worry on Peeta's face, of the calls from the Capitol, and tired of her own fears that he will die of alcohol poisoning, Katniss stomps over to his home and bangs on the door (also not for the first time), and when he doesn't respond, she grabs a chair from the porch and breaks his living room window (which_ is_ a first). Climbing inside, she finds him on the floor, bottle in hand, hair wet from a shower, continuing to ignore her until she walks over to him, snatches the bottle, smacks him, and takes a swig of the vile white liquor herself. Soon, the two are screaming at each other at the top of their lungs, him calling her a hypocrite (he knows the long sleeves are to hide track marks from the morphling she still does daily) and she calling him a selfish asshole (because it isn't just about him anymore).

-"Does Lover Boy know you still shoot up?"

-"Do you even fucking care about anything except getting drunk?"

-"I'll give a fuck as soon as you do."

-"You. Selfish. Asshole. Fine, die if you want to. I'm tired of caring."

Around they go until they are in each other's face, when suddenly, the tension shifts, and Katniss is aware of the scent of _him-_ that unique combination of soap, booze, smoke from the fire, and underneath it all, maleness, which now is as intoxicating as the morphling she injects after Peeta goes to sleep each evening. Suddenly, she's grabbing his shirt and yanking him down to her, and it's all teeth and biting and tearing at clothing, and Katniss now understands the saying "kiss him or kill him", when he lifts her, wraps her legs around his waist, and carries her to the coffee table. Knocking off empty bottles and syringes (because Katniss _is_ a hypocrite, and she does get high while he drinks sometimes), they fuck until they are both sore, stopping only to drink more, until they are both lost in a haze of booze and drugs and sex.

Neither one mentions Peeta, sleeping peacefully at home. Katniss, feeling like she's finally free to unleash that dark, hateful, greedy part of her which she keeps from Peeta, knows they will do it again.

Neither mentions the hand holding of a month earlier, either.

III

The first time they kiss (always, they always do everything backwards and difficult) is during one of her attempts at teaching him to hunt. She's been begging him to go hunting with her for months now, when he makes a deal. "You cut back on the morphling, and I'll go hunting with you," he tells her, a pleading look in his eyes. It's that look which, after telling Haymitch to go fuck himself (and then fucking him herself), makes her agree to his terms. Now, a half dozen hunting trips later, and almost two months off the morphling, Katniss is trying to teach Haymitch how to aim with the bow (and he has cut back on the liquor after that night with the broken window), unsuccessfully. She's still in pain, but now is able to laugh having come to the realization that being happy does not mean that she has forgotten Prim. Peeta is unsure of what has brought about the change, but is ecstatic, and has begun to talk of marriage, and children, and all those things which she still doesn't want. It's that laugh, eyes shining, hair flying about her face, that causes him to cup her face in his hand and kiss her. Nothing since the revolution has scared her as much as the taste of his lips, gentle, caressing, on hers. She drops her bow and runs away (feelings are just too much and too strong without the morphling and oh God she wants to crawl inside him and die all at the same time), leaving him there in the woods, alone.

Later that night, she makes her way into his house, and by the fire, kisses him as an apology.

Peeta is simply happy that Katniss is sober and has found a reason to smile (because he has always known).

IV

The first time they hold each other, _really _hold each other, is NOT after they make love. Before their first kiss, sex was something they did wherever they happened to be in the house, usually after a fight, or drunk, or both, and was certainly not cause for cuddles. It was utterly lacking in intimacy. That evening, when she went over for her nightly visit, Haymitch pulled her into his lap by the fire. Wrapping his arms around her, he rested his chin on her head and Katniss realizes that all she wants is to sit there, listening to his heart beat, arms around his waist. As she begins to doze off, she realized that he is pulling a blanket over the two of them. She has never felt so at peace.

Peeta wakes to an empty bed for the first time. He waits for her patiently in the kitchen, silently offering her breakfast with a kiss on the head. If he notices that she smells of Haymitch, he doesn't say anything.

V

The first time Peeta cries is at their wedding. Peeta, who despite his hijacking is still the best of them, asked Katniss to marry him, over her favorite buns, fresh from the oven. He looked so full of hope, of joy, of serenity, that she could not (and would not) break his heart.

(She would never know that Peeta and Haymitch discussed it first – Peeta asking Haymitch if it would break him to have her married, Haymitch saying that he could never give Katniss, young as she is, a real life with a family, for he is far too broken)

They have a lavish affair, because the Mockingjay must still be a symbol of hope to the people, even after all she has given. Haymitch has offered to give her away (because no one, except the three of them, know that is what is really happening), and hands her to Peeta. Katniss recites her vows with clear eyes and a steady voice, as Haymitch looks on, wistfully smiling. Only Peeta cries at the ceremony, wondering if in marrying Katniss, he has broken the two people he loves most.

When his first child is born, Peeta looks into Seam grey eyes, and for the first time, understands.


End file.
